One Foot Out The Door

Ok so I'm almost done at State Street. In the last few days I have begun to realize how much I am going to miss some of the people that I have worked with. I have seen many of them more than I have seen my family these last few years.

I'm really going to miss my two bosses, I'm also going to miss my peers Steve and Rob. Actually missing and saying goodbye to people has been the norm for this job. It's actually one of the reasons that I am leaving. I can't stand to go through it anymore. I'm not so bad at handling it, or the change. It's tough to keep saying goodbye to people you are just starting to become good friends with. I miss people like my old manager John, or my old senior Kevin.

I think I've had to say goodbye to something like 30 or 40 people at this point. It's just too much to keep doing, especially since I lost my father a couple of years ago, and haven't really gotten a good chance to deal with it and clear my head. I suppose there isn't really a way to deal with that sort of thing, but I can afford to take a summer off.

I'm really thinking about traveling. I was thinking of Europe, but I think it will be too expensive and I don't know if it interests me that much. I was also thinking of visiting my family in Thailand too... I need to send someone over there and e-mail. I should find out if my aunt needs any help with her hotels.

Good day after all

Ok so today was a good day after all.

The work day was tough. I was a mess all day and not all that effective. I feel like I lost a friend today at work.... I guess it happens at times. I've been really nervous about not having a job, and about leaving my boss Andrea in a bad situation. I know that she doesn't want me to feel that way, but I can't help it. I really like her and hate to put her in that situation. She knows that I am miserable there though and that I need a change, if for no other reason than to give me an excuse to get out of this funk.

You know the closer that I come to leaving the more I realize just how cool my bosses are. They are just plain really nice people. I really am glad that I had the chance to work with them. If my next job or other jobs down the road are management jobs I have people to model myself after.

So anyway back to today... After I got home I talked with my mom. I told her how nervous I am to be without a job, even though it's my choice. She just wasn't all that concerned. That made me a little happier, knowing that she isn't worried. I hate making my mother worry. I talked to my sister afterwards too and they both put it into a perspective that helped. It's just a temporary thing to get my mind together, which was what I think I originally though when I decided this. It was nice to hear it from those you love though. They both have understood that it's a good way to force some change in my life. I love my family. They are definitely what is keeping me glued together.

The thing that made today good after all was the conversation that my sister and I had. It was mostly upbeat and filled with optimism. We laughed a little and were able to joke around. It was a really good conversation. The kind that you always want to have with your loved ones. It was really nice to have it today. It was a funny because about midway through the phone call I realized that my sister and I are more likely to talk now that she is in Hawaii than when she lived upstairs. It has to do with the time difference. I am a total night owl and she is an early to bed person. So by the time I get home she was usually just ready to head to bed or was already asleep. Now that she is in Hawaii when I call her at midnights it's only 6 o'clock over there.

It really was a nice day after all. Nice weather (it was a sunny day) and a really good phone call. Today was really worth it... :-)

Missing Dad

I really miss my father. I really wish I could talk to him right now... I'm really falling to peices and I could really use his advice. He was always the one I could talk to. I just felt really connected with him. Now I don't feel connected with anyone. I'm just a lost soul.

5 a.m.

wow it's 5 a.m. and I still haven't gone to sleep. Tomorrow/today is going to be a rough one....

Independence? The Cage Door is Open...

So, things have been going ok. The last few days I have gone into work pretty close to noon-time. I think seeing the sun has been a good thing for me. I also put in my notice at work. My boss said she wouldn't accept it :-). She's very cool, and very knowledgeable. I know that she really doesn't want me to leave. I gave her three weeks notice just because I know she will need it. I figure I would stay at the company for $10,000 more, but otherwise I am going to take the summer off and figure out a direction for myself. I have been really miserable for quite some time and it's about time I really make an effort to change that. So I figure I have enough money just saved that I can go the summer without a job. If I dip into my retirement money I probably wouldn't have to work for like 2 years, but I'm going to try not to do that. If they don't make any serious effort to keep me at work I will definitely spend the summer bike riding, doing yard stuff, taking pictures, half-heartedly looking for a job, and possibly visiting my sister in Hawaii. I sort of owe it to myself to get out of this funk. Plus it should mean my blog will have pictures and a more upbeat set of posts.

I'm sort of looking forward to taking 3 months or so of my retirement now while I'm only 26. My mom told me tonight that I should go backpack in Europe. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. It's still hard to get myself out the door here. I don't know about traveling that far. She does have a compelling point. I may not be in the position again where I will have both the money and the time to go. I'm going to give it some serious thought. It would be cool if I had a girl to travel with or at least some friends to meet over there....

I must say that the idea of hanging out on a beach in Hawaii is much more appealing to me than backpacking. I have always been a play in the surf live in the sun sort of dreamer. When people mention the word "paradise" mine is a white sandy beach, same as a lot of people out there.

So the last few days of work have been great, really low stress. I haven't been worried about anything... Apparently a good personal melt-down is just the thing to breed the apathy that you need in life. Actually, it isn't that I don't care anymore it's just that I can't. My insides can no longer take the twisting. Nor am I able to take the shit that certain people feel it's their duty to hit you with. I think that people are more like Chimps than we are willing to admit. We still know how to throw a good stinky ball of feces when we get the urge.

I'm really going to miss working with my two bosses Tom and Andrea. They are the best. As people they are understanding, reasonable and extremely capable. I figure I may never work for better bosses ever again... I think Andrea is really pissed that I want to quit... I don't blame her though she didn't do anything to deserve it. I can't help it though, I need some time and I need it to be without pressure, stress and the odd desire for the monkeys above her to throw feces at me.

Just a couple more weeks of ducking balls of poo and trying to tie up loose ends so I don't leave Andrea in too bad a situation, and I am free! If they offer me some money I will have to seriously think about it... But anything less than $10,000 will not really be a serious reason to stay in my mind. I figure that's how much I will give up in opportunity cost by being unemployed this summer. It's a rough estimate. The real number will all depend on how long I am actually unemployed. I figure at this point I would pay that much to get the summer off... So I also figure it's the minimum that someone has to come up with to pay me back for the additional misery, and I would still have to think about it.

So I gave Andrea the letter of resignation on the 17th of June with a three week notice, which would put my last day as July 8th. I should have maybe done two weeks so that I could have just ended it the Friday before Independence Day weekend. It would have been a nice sort of dual celebration for me :-).

Family

In the last few days I have been a serious mess. It has to be in huge part due to the fact that it's father's day and my father isn't around anymore. It isn't the only thing, but it isn't making anything better.

I really miss my little sister, even though I just got into a fight with her over the phone today... I'm sorry...

My uncle drove like 40 min and sat talking with me for like 6 hours just because he was worried about me. It's stuff like that saves your life. I really love my family. We aren't always the most functional bunch, but there is a lot of love...

Rotting on the Vine

How are you supposed to feel when you come to the realization that you are an empty shell. I think I'm just skin stretched over a wire frame. I feel completely hollow. Sort of like a truth that isn't a truth any longer, I've lost all meaning. I don't have a point. I don't have a reason except for a few and they are moving away and growing older. The destination seems more and more pleasant as the days go forward. The losses have affected me more than I can even show, more than I will ever be able to express. Life is just the motions now... the passion is all gone... only remnants of it remain. It's more like habit than living. I feel more empty with each passing day... the reasons become less and less reasonable. My soul is turning slowly to dust, the color is draining out of everything... My thoughts are my own hell and my mind is my own prison.

Sorry if it sounds poetic. It's not meant to I just don't know how to put it any other way. How else do you describe the end of yourself, your own slow decay. Maybe that's what it's really like... maybe I'm just rotting inside.

My Recommendation

Ok so here is where I stand. Life isn't so bad... though I'm pretty depressed lately.
Work is going well. My people are starting to be happier and I'm finally getting some feedback on when I'm getting some people (the group I just took over has been hugely short staffed). My two senior people are finally starting to work with me. They are really cool girls... I know it was just because I threw their world into disarray. I was just venting here, though I really was that frustrated at the time.

I just recommended that my boss make one of my senior staff a co-manager for this group. The person I recommended is really excellent with people and the nicest person I have met in a long time. It should make her a little happier and she deserves it. She basically held this group together while there was no management staff.

She has a little bit to work on, but I think what she has left to work on she can pick up during on the job training. Her people skills will be the best asset that she has. It's also the best fit for the client group. With the massive amount of turnover they need to present a friendlier face, and she is that. A little thicker skin would help her, but she's already better with that than when I first met her. She's really a very cool person and I hope she does well. I'll probably only work with her for another month or so. I'll miss her cheery attitude and her nice smile. She's almost always a pleasure to work with.

I think the toughest thing about this job with this client group has been seeing so many people leave. It's just a tough thing. Like graduating from school and watching people you were friendly with move on knowing that many of them you will never see again. When I leave I will miss her especially... along with several others. I'll miss my two bosses a lot. They have been amazing people to work for, and I know they had to deal with a lot of shit with me. I can be a demanding employee at times. When I see something that needs to be changed or would work better a different way I can become like a bull in a China shop. I hate waiting... I actually used to be pretty patient as a kid, but that's all gone now as an adult. I am quick to come up with plans and ideas and I tend not to give other people a chance to catch up.

Hopefully some of them will keep in touch with me. I doubt it though... people always promise to keep in touch and even mean it at the time but then life gets in the way. We shall see what the future holds....

Something Positive

Ok so I decided to do something positive with my spare computers. I have 2 computers that are just sitting in my house that are still funtional, and not really out dated. So I decided to put together a couple of systems for my little cousins who live down the street.

It should keep the kids from fighting over the one that they have. I'm only guessing that they do since that's what me and my sister would have done at that age...

Comment on a Comment as a Post

"post-its are cool said...
hi. I appreciated your comment on my blog. i naturally wanted to see yours. and i think it contains so much truth and honesty in it. i just graduated high school and everyone's trying to fill my head with glowing images of college and beyond, but i enjoy your view more. and here's a quote i thought i'd share. "i have to stop pretending that i'm better than my job, that my anger and awareness keep me at all pure. at some point you become your job. and i hate my job." -david mizer, "political animal" yeah, so good luck with whatever. " - comment to the last post

I just wanted to respond to this comment by saying that not all things are negative in the "real world" (I always hated that term). Some days are better than others. Today in my life wouldn't be a good example of that, but yesterday was a very good day for me. I didn't have to be so aware of my job. I got a chance to live a little piece of my life outside of work. I got to leave on time. I didn't have to argue with any of my employees. I got everything I wanted to accomplish that day completed... Some days are like that. It all depends on how much you take on and how responsible you feel for the people and things around you. Someone who is compassionate and concerned about others will always try to bail someone else out... and they would be a good person for that. On the other hand they will also have to deal with that person and all of their flaws, and will most likely get stuck with more work and less time. It's sort of the same thing for someone who is ambitious. They take extra work on to prove themselves to others so that they will be promoted or given raises. It all depends on what you want out of the different paths you will take.

Personally I recommend college for the intelligent people of the world. It can be a fun time, and if you do it right you can learn some stuff. It's also a good place to meet people, relax and at the same time stress out.

Sorry I think I'm just rambling on tangents now... and wait am I saying life is good or bad... Anyway the point is you have to wade through a lot of crap in life to get to the good parts, but often the good parts of life are worth wading through all the crap. Some older person said something to me when I was young that has haunted me like a curse, "You'll regret very few of the things that you will do in life. The things that you will regret the most are the things that you didn't do." So far it has been totally true... just keep that in mind.

Sleepless Nights

Just about 3:30 a.m. still haven't gone to bed... Insomnia is rough.

Sorry about the negativity

I guess I should change the description of this blog to something like "Constant bitching about work" I apologize to anyone who actually reads this site. I'm not going to stop bitching though. It's the way I feel right now. I'll put good things on this site too... I have just been really morose lately. I can't seem to see the rosy side of things. Hopefully I'll snap out of it.

Shit

You know what sucks... I really don't like my job right now, but I don't know if I am qualified to do anything else. I feel like my experience is so narrow at this point that I am going to be stuck in this type of job forever. I need to find a way out of this. I really just need a change of everything. I'm looking at Monster.com right now and all the jobs that I am really qualified for right now are all the same F-ing thing that I do now... They just pay more money. I should just start applying to jobs that sound good... I really want out of the job that I am in right now. I just can't take how impossible it is to get anything done smoothly or sometimes at all. I just want a normal job at this point. Something I can go to get the job done and go home. I am sick of doing 10 to 12 hour days. I'm sick of getting shit for stuff that everyone agrees needs to be done. I'm sick of getting shit for trying to improve stuff. It's like all I get is steaming piles of shit. Enough is enough for me.

I stuck through a conversion at this job, one that in my opinion wasn't done very well. I don't know if anyone could have done a good job with the resources that they devoted to it. I wont comment any further on that. After the conversion I stuck through two years of huge almost legendary amounts of turnover. I watched friend after friend leave... It really starts to get to you after awhile. I got promoted and I was proud of myself because I worked my ass off to get those promotions. Now however I am realizing why so many left. It's like beating yourself in the head with a miniature baseball bat. It's been two years and we have turned our group over like 3 times.

Has anything changed? No... Not much... It's like fighting a huge tide of shit... I'm sick of it. I don't like reeking of it anymore. I don't like giving up so much of my life to a useless pursuit. I haven't quit anything I have started since I was 7 years old, but I just can't do this anymore.

I achieved a little I think. I sparked some change. It wont be my fault if they let it falter at this point. I just can't do it anymore. I'm burnt out. I can't keep hating myself for getting up in the morning. I can't keep hating my life...

New Job (so I was a little unhappy at the time)

Wow, if the last few days have taught me anything it's that I have to find a new job.

So I decided to step in and try and help another group out (manage another floundering group). I think I proved myself with my first two groups. With help from my people and my boss I made them into one cohesive group that was adaptable and considering our client, fairly smooth running. I know I have saved the bank about a million dollars over the past couple of years (probably a conservative estimate). I implemented some pretty time and error saving changes that became floor wide standards. My group was and still is the top performer on the floor in terms of accuracy and procedural development.

Well... I don't know why I keep diving into the shallow end of the pool head first... I mean what the hell was I thinking. I had a good thing with my old group, but I decided that I needed a challenge. That's what I got. I must have forgotten how much a pain in the ass it is to get people to do their jobs!!! Or how god damned much of a pain in the ass it is to have people just agree to cooperate.

I hate that look that some people give you... You know the look that I am talking about, the one where they roll their eyes at you without rolling their eyes. It's the one where they basically shit on you, your ideas, and basically your whole ancestry. I mean I must have gotten that look in the last 4 meetings I have had. I'm so pissed. I haven't been that disrespected in over a year. I'm ready to throw someone through a wall. I stepped in to bail this group out and I have to go through torture to get people to follow my lead. I just don't get it!!! I'm trying to help you out!!! What’s wrong with people!!! They bitch and complain that they have no time for anything but will they work with me to change things so that they will have more time... not without me pulling teeth. I'm sick of trying to play the nice guy just so I can do my job.

They are lucky that they work with me in a company where it's hard to fire someone because at this point I would rather work with a crackhead than with the attitude that I have been getting lately. Some of the respect previously earned by a few of these people is just rapidly diminishing.

I'm sick of explaining my whole fucking plan in arduous detail just to be given the look like they think it's a bad idea, but when you ask them for an idea of what to do they don't give you any. It's like just work with me or tell me an idea to make things better. I'm a reasonable guy if I hear a better idea I'm not just going to ignore it.

On top of every thing their biggest complaint about the previous management was that they had no direction or a plan... well guess what I have a plan!!! Just work with me for god's sake and in a month we can get out on time and have a workload that is reasonable!!!

Ok so that's how my last two weeks have been going.

I could really use a new job. I wouldn't mind this one so much if they paid me for the amount of work that I do or for the fact that I have saved them an amount of money that it would take me more than 20 years of saving to reach (assuming no bills or taxes). The least they could do would be to pay for my parking... At this point I'm considering leaving Big Fat Bank just on the principle that they can't supply me with a window, and I don't mean in my office, because I don't have an office I have a cube. I'm talking about just having one window on the entire floor. I have to walk through two electronic security doors just to see the outside. You might be thinking at this point "what's the big deal working with out windows"... well try that for two years averaging 11 hour days. You start to loose your sense of time... You start asking people what day it is day after day... Just take my word for it, it sucks, people evolved seeing the sun and a day night cycle...

I need to stop writing posts at 3am

I have a crush on someone at work. It's so not a good idea... I know... Just can't help it though. She's cute... and has several endearing qualities... Ok. Ok. I'll stop...

-just another 3am post.

I'll have to find a hobby that's interesting otherwise I'll just keep writing drivel...

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